


Until the Moment I Die

by jhspuff



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Draco is sweet, F/M, Falling In Love, Loss, Magical jobs, Not A Happy Ending, Reader has been through a lot, School Life, Separation and reuniting, War, Young Love, sorry - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-10-01
Updated: 2019-10-01
Packaged: 2020-11-08 23:40:48
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 10,148
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20843951
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/jhspuff/pseuds/jhspuff
Summary: “I’ll continue to love you every year from now, until the moment I die… and even after that”





	Until the Moment I Die

You remembered it clearly. The first time you had met him.

It had been your first year at Hogwarts and although you were excited, a deep anxious feeling was settled into your gut. Being muggle-born meant that everything you were seeing was new to you. Every enchantment, ghost, and moving staircase. Every day at the castle was thrilling in its own way.

Despite entering a world full of wonder that you had never known before, not all was peachy. You quickly learned that like any society the wizarding world had its own separation of classes. As quickly as you had learned of it, you fell victim to an endless barrage of criticism and insults. Apparently in this world being a muggle-born witch or wizard was the worst crime you could unknowingly commit.

Just as you had found yourself diving deep into the wonders of this world you were roughly dragged to the surface and reminded of a place you never knew you held.

The bullying at school wasn’t as bad as it could be, you supposed. It mostly consisted of petty insults and shoulder jabs in the hallway. Anything that they could do to rile you really. Your tormentors ranged from various boys and girls in your year, some even being from the years above. Typically they were those of the Slytherin house but it didn’t matter to you, people were cruel because that’s how they were raised to be. Not because of what house they were in; that aspect simply served as an excuse for cruel behavior and a justification for the other houses to hate them in particular.

It was a ridiculous thought though… to simply stand by and let these people treat you like human trash. Over something that you couldn’t even help. You decided rather early in your first year that you wouldn’t let yourself be their victim.

This particular day, however, the tormenting had been quite persistent. You were simply trying to make your way to your Potions class on time but a group of second-year snobs was making it a difficult task.

“Hey, there filthy mud blood” one of them called to you with a sneer. “Where are you headed to in such a hurry?” they asked while pushing you into a wall.

Two of them cornered you while the other stood behind them throwing insult after insult.

You only glared at them as they pathetically attempted to slander you. The whole act was growing rather boring and deciding that you had better places to be than listen to them ramble on, you pushed yourself past them.

Saying nothing as you barreled forward in anger you heard their quick footsteps rush up to you.

“Where do you think you’re going?” They called after you, slightly out of breath from trying to keep up.

“Anywhere where you lot of idiots aren’t” you growled angrily back at them.

You were sick of them and sick of this game. You didn’t have time for their foolishness.

Turning corner after corner in an effort to lose them you finally found yourself nearing the dungeons and the trio of dickheads were finally off your tail.

Luckily you still had a few minutes to get to potions class; due to the fact that you pretty much jogged the whole way there.

Your eyes were fixated on the ground as you slowly made your way down the steps. You were so lost in thought that you didn’t even notice the sound of someone else coming down the stairs until they knocked into you. Then the next thing you knew instead of seeing your feet you were looking up at the ceiling.

Realizing that you had just tumbled down the stairs you felt a rush of embarrassment course through you. Luckily you were almost at the bottom so it was unlikely you’d be hurt aside from a little bruising.

A little dazed but mostly just fearful of how many people watched you fly down the stairs, you stood up and glanced around.

There standing at the bottom of the stairs was someone you knew. You didn’t know him personally but you knew what he looked like and the reputation that he held.

It was Draco Malfoy. He was a second-year that you had heard plenty about. Even though you had only been at Hogwarts for a few months you found that news and rumors traveled fast. You heard people in your year whisper stories about him as he passed in the hallway and none of it was ever good.

He was staring at you with a shocked look on his face as his eyes slowly scanned your disheveled appearance up and down.

It didn’t take long for you to realize that he was the reason you fell considering there was no one else in the hallway aside from the two of you.

You knew what this was. What exactly was going on. He was notorious for bullying any muggle-born witch and wizard. Always boasting about his own pureblood status and his Slytherin house. Even though you were a first-year it wouldn’t surprise you if he knew who you were simply from word of mouth. The twats around here must have kept a list of all the people they deemed worth picking on.

There was no way you were going to let this pompous little shit get the better of you. Not here, not now, and not ever.

Glaring at him with the angriest look you could muster, you stepped towards him; feet stomping heavily on the ground. The look on his face was almost comical as it seemed he didn’t even know what to say.

“Listen here you stuck up arse! I won’t just stand by and let you knock me around. I already get enough shit from your little pureblood cult friends or whatever” you told him while jabbing your finger dangerously close to his chest.

“So don’t ever come near me again or I’ll beat the piss out of you” you spat at him while bringing your hands to your hips.

You stood there in front of him for a moment more as his face twisted into utter disbelief. He just stared at you slack-jawed as you awaited a response from him.

“Whatever,” you told him as you turned and made your way to your potions class. You didn’t have time to deal with people like him.

-

Halfway through your third year, it had happened… You realized that you liked him.

By your third year at Hogwarts, you had built a kind of reputation for not being messed with. You were never violent or intentionally rude to anyone, at least not to those who didn’t deserve it. No, in fact, you were only tough on those that bothered to give you a hard time. To everyone else you were kind, funny, and a reliable friend.

Life at Hogwarts was really coming together for you. You had your own group of friends, your studies were going well, and due to your tough nature, even the bullying had died down significantly. 

But despite your generally comfortable day to day life at the school. You also had a little bit of a secret…

You had made a sort of habit out of visiting the astronomy tower. It was usually late at night when you would venture out, always careful to avoid the prefects on patrol. The first time you went there it was simply to get some time to yourself. You wanted a place where you could be alone in your thoughts. Sometimes it felt good to just look out into the night and think freely.

This particular night you find yourself sitting alone in the tower feeling rather distressed. As tough as you were and as much as you tried. You couldn’t protect yourself entirely. Sometimes the harsh words and self-doubt would creep up on you. Making you wish that you could be back home… and on nights like these. You even wished deep down that you’d never left.

Looking out into the darkness you wondered what it would feel like to be a tree. The thought might sound silly at first, sure. But you thought that in a way it would be nice. Standing tall and firm. Leaves swaying in the wind as the world moved and burst with life around you. To see things change and develop as a mere watcher. Simply existing in silence, unbothered, and eternally peaceful.

Yes, it really was one of those nights that you just wanted to exist in silence.

“Oh… sorry. I didn’t think anyone would be here” you heard a voice speak from behind you.

Your heart raced at the sudden intrusion, scared totally shitless from someone sneaking up on you so quietly.

Whipping your head around to see who it was you were met with the image of the last person you expected to see.

It was Draco Malfoy, standing in front of you looking mildly annoyed in all his stuck up glory.

“Oh… it’s you” was all you responded with before rolling your eyes and turning back around.

As soon as you did so however you heard a rather distinct and nasty scoff come from behind you.

“What in the hell did I ever do to you?” He questioned.

A rush of irritation came over you as you took in the situation. Of course on the one night you wanted to be alone…

“Well, I don’t know… How about that time you pushed me down the stairs?” you shot back rhetorically.

It was silent for a moment… the air around you suddenly becoming cold and stiff.

“You know…” he spoke quieter now as you heard the sound of his footsteps approaching you. “I didn’t actually do that to you on purpose. You were just quick to accuse me”.

The scowl on your face instantly vanished as you processed his words. Was he really trying to tell you that he had never meant to push you? That it was an all accident? That he probably didn’t even know who you were but you had been quick to assume and cuss him out?

Suddenly… you felt quite ashamed.

“You really didn’t mean to?” you asked him, not daring to glance to your side where he now stood.

“No, not at all. In fact, I didn’t even have the slightest idea of who you were before that incident” he laughed a little. “But now I do… You’re Y/L/N, aren’t you? A muggle-born girl from what I hear. I suppose you weren’t entirely in the wrong to assume that I’d come after you”.

“I’m sorry for assuming you pushed me on purpose then. But… from the way I see it you probably would have tormented me eventually so at least I beat you to it,” you told him sternly.

He only hummed in response before you felt the way his eyes were studying the side of your face. You couldn’t see how this situation could possibly get more uncomfortable. But then… it did.

Before you could even blink Draco had sat down beside you. He still said nothing to you but you noticed how his gaze drifted out into the darkness just as you had been doing before.

“What are you doing here?” you asked him while shifting slightly to meet his eyes as they looked back at yours.

“I came up to think by myself. I have the right you know” he replied with an unreadable expression. “Besides, what are you doing here?” he questioned, mimicking your tone from earlier.

Frowning a little at his childish behavior you sighed before giving him his answer. “I also came up here to think.” You said while rolling your eyes at him. “By myself” you added.

He scowled at you then. Certainly not taking kindly to your attitude. Yet, he didn’t leave.

But then again… neither did you.

Several silent minutes passed as you both sat by each other looking out at the quiet grounds. The silence was uncomfortable but maybe it was better than talking, you thought. But just as you considered this his voice broke through the air.

“What are you thinking about?” he asked you rather quietly. From the corner of your eye, you could see that he was still looking ahead and not at you.

“Wondering what it would be like to be a tree” you admitted to him without much thought.

His body shifted to look at you then. You turned to face him as well as he gave you a very questioning look.

“Why on earth would you be wondering about such a thing?” he asked you in disbelief, although you could sense the slightest bit of amusement in his eyes.

“Well, wouldn’t it be kind of nice?” you asked him smiling a little bit at the look of bewilderment on his face.

“I don’t see how so,” he told you with a look that said you might be crazy.

“That’s alright… It’s just what I was thinking about” you replied, a little amused by the conversation.

You thought that maybe you should elaborate on what you meant. But his confusion was too amusing to pass up. How often would you get the opportunity to see this puzzled look on Draco Malfoy’s face? Usually, he’d only bother to express looks of disgust, anger, or cockiness. So, indeed, this was refreshing.

It was an odd thing though, this moment. Sat in the astronomy tower with the last person you’d imagine. Something else was strange too… as the moments passed you found that the feeling of being there with him wasn’t necessarily unpleasant.

A smile crept onto your face at the realization of it all… what a weird night.

After your encounter in the astronomy tower, it became a kind of unspoken habit that the two of you would find yourselves alone there in the middle of the night. Neither of you spoke about why you kept meeting nor did you question the other’s motive for being there.

But the strangest thing of all was that a sort of friendship had sparked between the two of you. Spending several hours a night chatting about this and that was actually quite a decent way to befriend someone. You didn’t think that either of you saw it coming but one night it was like you’d just found yourselves lost in conversation. Laughing and joking as though you’d been friends for years.

When you got to know him, Draco really wasn’t all that bad.

Under all those snide remarks and nasty glares was just another boy desperately seeking the approval of his family and his peers. He didn’t like to speak about it much, but you knew that deep down he was very lost… and maybe even a little bit lonely.

He’d often ramble to you about childhood stories, Quidditch fiascos, and the latest “Potter” rumors going around. Sometimes you actually found the way he got so worked up over trivial things… a little cute.

Then, one night as you both sat down looking out into the night you asked him something you’d often wondered.

“Hey, Malfoy… when you look out into the night… at times like these” you began while turning to face him. “What is it that you’re thinking about?” you asked while slightly leaning towards him to hear his response.

He blinked once, then raised an eyebrow as he glanced from you to the vast darkness spreading as far as the eye could see.

“I suppose… when I look at it now… I feel grateful to be here with you. Instead of looking at it alone… feeling as though the darkness is all around me” he whispered to you.

It was then, as you absorbed his words that you realized something far greater than you’d ever learned before. A truth much more intense than whatever lies out in the never-ending darkness.

You liked Draco… and it was much more than some silly little infatuation. You were sure that you very genuinely fancied him and in a way… that scared you.

“I’m glad to be here with you as well,” you told him while forcing a smile onto your uneasy face.

Some things may have been better left unsaid. At least, for now.

-

When you were in your sixth year you finally made the confession you’d been holding onto for the last two years and to your surprise… he said it back.

You just wished more than anything… it could have been under better circumstances.

By the time you were in your fifth year, you had spent the last two years with Draco becoming quite the inseparable pair. To most, you made the most unusual pair of friends. You weren’t sure if it was because he was a Slytherin or because he was Draco Malfoy. Most likely both. But, it didn’t matter, because no one had to understand, and neither of you felt like explaining it.

You supported each other, confided in one another, and always trusted that the other would be there when it was most important.

That’s why when things started to change, you noticed immediately.

Draco had come back different… He wouldn’t tell you what was wrong or if anything had happened. He wouldn’t chat with you long after class or meet with you in the courtyard anymore. He was distancing himself to the point it was worrying you.

Eventually, you noticed him changing physically. He was getting paler, thinner, and any sign of life in his silver eyes seemed to have vanished altogether.

Despite all this, every night you would wait in the astronomy tower. Because even though he was ignoring you, refusing your help, and avoiding eye contact. You still held hope that one night he would show up.

But he never did.

This pattern continued for longer than you could even recall. The days melted into weeks which fused with the months. Time seemed to be whizzing by around you and all the while it was like you couldn’t even breathe.

By this point, you hadn’t spoken to Draco in what felt like years. He looked physically terrible and you could tell by his attitude that his mental health was far from better. Whatever he was dealing with was worse than you initially thought. Your mind raced with all the possibilities of what it could be. But of course, you never found an answer.

Then one day it was like your worst fears had been realized.

The scene before you was so shocking that you were sure parts of it had been blocked from your mind, just to save even apiece of the heartache.

Draco was there. Looking more dead than alive as blood seeped through the front of his white dress shirt. Snape was there too, seeming taking control over whatever had happened as you saw him quickly whisk Draco away to the hospital wing.

You don’t know how long you stood there. It was as if time had completely frozen still. From the moment you saw them coming down the hallway, it was like your feet had turned to stone. All you could do was replay the image you had just seen over and over in your head.

A lot of emotions overcame you at that time. The first was shock. Shock at what you had seen and heard around you in that quick moment. The second was confusion. The questions were flying through your mind. What had happened? Who had done this? Why? Was he okay? Then the third and final emotion… was fear.

A sick twisting pain tore through your gut as the severity of the situation dawned on you and although it scared you more than anything… a thought crossed your mind. Was he even alive?

Before you had time to think about what that meant your feet were already carrying you to the hospital wing as fast as they could. Not caring about anyone or anything else in that moment.

When you had reached the hospital wing you were out of breath and panting frantically. Partially from running but mostly because I kind of terrifying panic had started to overcome you.

You must have been louder than you thought because in an instant Madam Pomfrey was standing before you with a concerned look on her face.

“My, my, child. What is with the hysterics? Do calm down now” she spoke to you reassuringly while patting a hand on your back.

It was then you realized that you had been crying.

You stared to breathe even harder as you looked into her concerned eyes. You tried to speak clearly but only choked sobs came out.

“P-please t-tell me. Is h-he o-ok?” you cried to her desperately.

Her face twisted into a look of pity.

“Are you asking about the Malfoy boy?” she asked slowly.

You only nodded your head as more hot tears streamed down your face.

“He’ll be okay, don’t you worry. I’ve already done what I came for him and he’s resting now” she replied while giving you a warm smile.

“May I p-please see him?” you begged with blurry eyes.

She scrunched her face at your words, carefully thinking it over before she gave a little sigh.

“You may wait for him until he wakes up on his own but you have to be quiet now, you hear? Don’t want to disturb him with those loud cries of yours” she replied softly.

You took in a deep breath as you tried to collect yourself.

“I won’t be a bother, I promise. I just need to be with him, please” you said while wiping the last tears from your eyes.

Madam Pomfrey gave you a little pat on the shoulder in response as she opened the door for you to walk in. Gesturing over to the side you saw Draco’s body lying there in a deep sleep.

As you drew closer you fought the urge to let out another pitiful sob as you took in his appearance.

Although he was sleeping it was obvious that he had been through a tremendous ordeal. His body looked weak and broken, a hollow shell of his former self.

But as you studied his sleeping face you saw that the boy you knew was still in there somewhere, he looked so peaceful as he rested. Even though you wanted to cry over him, hug him, and even curse him for giving you such a fright. You simply pulled up a chair next to his bed, took his hand in yours, and let him sleep.

Sometime later you were awoken by the feeling of someone tapping at your shoulder. You jolted your head up in surprise, not even realizing that you had fallen asleep.

As your eyes adjusted to your surroundings you were met with the sight of Draco staring back at you. He had a frown set into his face as he did so.

Looking down you saw that your hand still tightly gripped his.

Feeling a little embarrassed you pulled it away before looking up at him again.

“Y-you’re awake,” you said with a small gasp.

Examining his appearance you found that although still a shell of his former self it would seem that he looked much more rested. Judging by the expression on his face he wasn’t particularly thrilled t you being here and that thought alone sent a painful jab through your heart.

“I was so worried, Draco. I know we haven’t spoken in a while and you may not want to see me but when I saw Snape carrying you off like that I-I didn’t know what t-to do” you finished with a little choke as the all too familiar rush of tears rushed down your face, throat constricting painfully as they did so.

His face softened a little as he let out a kind of a defeated sigh, giving you a sad little smile as he did so.

“I’m sorry to have worried you” he responded calmly.

“That’s all you have to say?!” you said to him slightly raising your voice as the various emotions you’d felt before came over you once again in one big rush. “I thought that maybe you… you would be dead. You don’t understand what that felt like. I… I can’t live without you.” You admitted weakly.

Your eyes were so watery with tears that you couldn’t see clearly anymore however, the next thing you knew. You were being pulled into a tight embrace.

All the fear you had held over the last few hours started washing away from you as you wrapped your arms around Draco timidly. Wishing that for once in your life you really could stop time. Right at this moment. Where nothing else seemed to matter except for the way he held you.

“Draco… I have to tell you that I… that I lo-“ but before you could finish your confession he squeezed you tighter with a hush.

“Don’t say it. Not now. Don’t you dare tell me that” he told you firmly. But you could sense the slightest bit of wavering in his voice.

You weren’t sure why he stopped you from confessing. Maybe he didn’t feel the same and was saving you the embarrassment. Maybe he simply couldn’t handle to process those emotions right now. But for whatever the reason may be, you didn’t pay it another mind.

“Okay” you whispered to him as another lone tear dripped down your face.

When you pulled away from each other you saw that his eyes were a literal watery. You wondered if maybe he had been about to cry… but you decided it’d be best not to ask.

“Draco, promise me you won’t scare me like that again” you pleaded with him softly.

“I can’t make such promises Y/N. I also can’t see you anymore… not for a while at least. Maybe ever… I can’t explain but it’s best if you just stay away from me.” He told you with a sad expression. “Please” he added while casting his eyes down to avoid your own.

His words hurt. There was no denying that. He didn’t want to see you… he was rejecting you completely and he couldn’t even say why. You felt as though all the thoughts left your mind at that moment. Like a deafening silence surrounded you and all you could see was white light. Was this heartbreak? You weren’t sure. But one thing was certain, the pounding and shredding of your heart was proof you were still alive.

Swallowing the lump in your throat as you fought back the urge to cry once more, you looked to a far corner of the room and gave him the answer you knew he wanted.

“Okay”

More time went by after that and in a weird turn of events, it was you who started to look ill. You couldn’t sleep anymore. Couldn’t eat a proper meal. Hell, you couldn’t even focus on your studies.

It was like there was no escape from the pain. That’s what it was really. Insufferable and undeniable pain. The pain of rejection, of not knowing, and of being abandoned. You had never felt more alone in all your life.

Only adding to the torment, of course, was the fact that you hadn’t seen Draco at all since that time in the hospital wing. You were sure he was around somewhere… he had to be. You figured this meant that he was avoiding you…

You sent hours trying to find the answers as to why he wanted you nowhere near him. His strange behavior before he was injured only added to the mystery and the more you thought about it the more confused you became.

Your friends begged you to move on. Pleaded with you to forget about it… to do something else, to eat something, and of course, their biggest cry of all was for you to just snap out of it.

Many months had passed. But nothing changed, and nothing got better. The person you were seemed to leave along with him. It may have been ridiculous… to love someone so intensely and not even know if they ever cared for you to begin with. To never have even been able to admit it to him. Maybe if you had said it sooner, before he had distanced himself. Maybe things could be different…

You never thought you’d see him again. Had even given up on the thought that he’d ever speak to you again… But then one day he came rushing towards you in the hallway, a look of fear adorning his face.

Completely in shock, as he dragged you into a nearby empty classroom, you said nothing as he began to speak.

“Y/N, I need you to listen to me” he began slightly out of breath. “You need to find somewhere in this room and hide. Don’t leave. Not until you know for certain that it’s safe. I can’t say what’s about to happen but I need you to promise me that you won’t come out, please!” he pleaded to you with worried eyes.

“I-I don’t understand what’s happening, Draco,” you said while still trying to process his words. You weren’t sure at all what was happening but you knew by the look on his face that this was serious. 

“I know you don’t. But I need you to trust me, ok?” he asked while taking a firm hold on your shoulder in an effort to get you to look him in the eye.

“I trust you… and I promise. I’ll hide…” you whispered to him weakly, unable to look him in the eye for so long without feeling sorrowful.

He gave you a sort of sad smile before pulling away from you. He was turning to leave but you were so afraid. So afraid that this was going to be the last time you’d ever see him. You had to tell him everything that he meant to you. You had to tell him how much you’ve been dying without him. Had to tell him something…

“Draco, wait!” you called out just before he reached the door.

His extended arm hesitated midair as he turned back to look at you.

“I love you,” you said loudly with a burst of confidence you didn’t know you had. “I’ve loved you for the last two years and I’ll continue loving you whether you feel the same way or not. Every year from now, until the moment I die… and even after that” you ended with your voice almost inaudible as the nerves began to take over you.

He seemed lost for words, standing there completely motionless as his mouth fell open slightly in surprise. The silence was growing unbearable as you began to question if you’d maybe said a little too much. Looking away from him was the only way to recollect yourself.

But then before you could even process what was happening, he was walking back towards you. He was moving quickly with a look you’d never seen before. Then in the blink of an eye, his lips were on yours.

Your eyes stayed open at first, completely taken back. But quickly you closed them as well as you wrapped your arms around his neck and pulled his body to you desperately.

The kiss was soft at first, even a little bit timid. Then it became desperate and emotional as you both pulled the other closer. All the worries in the world seemed to leave you at that moment. As though you were the only two people in existence.

Breaking apart with staggered breathing you looked into his eyes and saw that same odd expression as before. You were about to ask him what he was thinking and what this all meant but he beat you to it.

“I love you too, Y/N. I’ve loved you for the last two years and I’ll never stop” he told you as little droplets of tears began to trickle from his eyes.

You had never seen him cry before. Not once in all the time that you’d known him and before you could stop it, you began to cry as well.

In any other circumstance, this would have been a happy moment. Two people finally admitting their love for one another after all this time. Finally joined together in eternal bliss.

But the situation was anything but blissful. Because when you looked at his crying face you knew he was emotional not for finally confessing to you. But because he was about to leave you… and that’s just what he did.

After one last passionate kiss, he urged you to hide quickly, making you promise once more not to leave.

Then he turned to the door, looked back at you with a reassuring smile upon his face, and left.

-

It was much later when you finally met him again.

Life was a lot different after the war. Like many others you didn’t return to Hogwarts, your parents wouldn’t allow it. Although they were muggles they heard all about what had happened and insisted you simply test out of your final years and start working. Although you reassured them that the school would have been safe after the defeat of Voldemort, there was no arguing with them.

So that’s just what you did. You took all the required exams in one go and started your new life as a member of the working class. You began working at the ministry in the Improper Use of Magic office. It was tedious work at times but you didn’t mind it.

Any work was a good distraction from the things you had heard that day. The people you had lost… and the one person who you had never seen again.

You tried not to think about him too often. Although you were sure your record was maybe two days. It was simply impossible to forget him. The feelings you still kept for him and the endless thoughts of what could have been.

You heard about him… every now and then. Learned all about what had become of his father and him during their trials. Taking what you knew now and looking back at what had transpired between the two of you, you couldn’t blame him for pushing you away like he did. It was a heavy burden for anyone to carry, let alone a teenage boy.

Come to think of it, so much time had passed that you couldn’t even believe how quickly life seemed to move on without you. It had been about three years since the battle. Three years since you had last been at that school. Three years since you had told him you loved him… and three years since he had said it back.

Letting out a little frustrated sigh you quickly stood from your desk. Your coworkers eyed you suspiciously as you made quite the dramatic show of slumping your shoulders in self-pity. You were feeling particularly mopey today as all those memories from three years ago came flooding back. As much as you hated to admit it… you got like this often.

“I’m going to head out for some air” you spoke into the room of people, none of them really paying you much mind. That didn’t really bother you though.

Stepping out into the hustle and bustle of the wizarding world was always a little fascinating despite all the years you’d spent living in it. No matter how common the sights in front of you became, they never really ceased to amaze you. However, today rather than be amused by it all you found yourself wanting to run away from it.

Usually, at times like these when you needed a place to relax by yourself, you’d simply walk through the ministry in a daze. But today was different…for some reason you had the urge to walk above ground amongst the muggles.

Maybe a part of you as feeling a little homesick. Or maybe you just wanted to exist somewhere where nothing could you remind you of the suffering anymore. To live as a muggle was to live in ignorance. Completely unaware of the mysterious world around you and when all you could do was agonize over the past… the thought of living in ignorance too was more tempting than ever.

Of course, you knew you couldn’t actually abandon your life here. But it didn’t hurt to fantasize about it…

When you made your way to the surface, surrounded by the common folk of London you took in a deep breath of relief. Up here no one could drag you down to that dark place. To these people, you hardly even existed.

As you walked down the street you curiously glanced from shop to shop. Person to person. Wondering what it is you should do to distance yourself from the world for a while. To complete disassociate from the painful thoughts that constantly invaded your mind.

That’s when you spotted it. A quaint little book shop. It stood on the corner of the street, old and fading, but none the less inviting.

When you entered through the door you were met with the smell of old books and coffee. It wasn’t a café but you had the inkling that the owners must indulge themselves with a secret pot in the back.

As you walked through the little store you marveled at the way the giant bookshelves were arranged. Towering all around you like some kind of maze. You examined the spines of the books as you walked by them. Everything from fantasy books to TV repair guides adorned the shelves around you.

Something was so peaceful about being in there. Surrounded by giant shelves of old books, as though they were shielding you in from the outside world. Keeping you safe…

While you were busy perusing you failed to notice the presence of another person next to you. So enthralled in the dusty shelves that if it wasn’t for your hand touching their own while reaching for the same copy of “Lord of The Flies”.

You apologized with a mumbled excuse me without looking up at the person. He didn’t respond, simply withdrew his hand from the shelf. Judging by their hand you assumed it was a man and given his disinterest in you, you figured it wasn’t the owner.

But as you turned to walk away from the man there was a voice screaming in your head to turn around and look at him. You didn’t know why you were so curious but it was like you’d never stop eating at yourself until you just looked.

So that’s what you did. In one swift motion, you turned your body to face him. Only when you saw the man in front of you… you couldn’t help the loud gasp that escaped your lips.

It was Draco Malfoy. You couldn’t believe your eyes and briefly even thought you might be mistaken. But there was no way it was a trick. It was definitely him. He had aged some of course in the last few years but physically he didn’t look that different from what you remembered. Just the sight of him was enough to cause your heart to pound. Just like when you were back at school all those years ago.

Upon hearing your gasp Draco turned to look at you. He had been contently eyeing the books on the shelf in front of him when disrupted the silence. But when his eyes met yours you saw how they widened in disbelief.

The silence in the air was growing in intensity and suddenly you could make out the smell of dust better than ever as your senses seemed to become hyper-aware.

For a moment neither if you said a word. Just stood there staring at each other in shock. Probably looking quite foolish to anyone who might have witnessed it.

He was the first to speak.

“Y/N… it’s really you isn’t it?” he asked while letting out an airy sort of laugh.

You could only bring yourself to nod your head slowly at him. Unable to pull the words from your throat is it constricted painfully. Hearing his voice again after so long was surreal… and before you knew it. You were crying in front of him. Just like you had the last time you’d seen him. What a reunion you thought to yourself.

A look of panic swept across his face as he watched you cry in front of him. It was clear he didn’t know what to do or say at that moment he awkwardly reached his hands to you before awkwardly pulling them away.

“Please don’t cry. Oh, Merlin, I’m so sorry. Just please don’t cry” he pleaded with you in a whisper. Suddenly being reminded that you were currently in a very small and quiet muggle bookstore.

“I thought I’d never see you again,” you said in a shaky voice.

His eyes were filled with sorrow as he frowned slightly down at you. You didn’t know if he was displeased at the situation or maybe himself.

“Neither did I” he admitted to you with a hint of shame in his voice.

You had so much to tell him, so much that needed to be said. You needed answers from him as well. After all this time you needed to know everything. The whole story and all its ugly truths, not just what the papers told you.

“Can we go somewhere else to talk?” you asked him quietly.

The look on his face told you that he understood what you meant. You wanted to talk away from the muggles, somewhere safer for the two people like you.

As you both made your way out of the bookstore you quickly looked around t make sure no one was watching. After assuring you were unseen you both slipped into an alleyway and without much thought, you took his hand and apparated the both of you into your flat.

As you both came to stand in your kitchen you quickly removed your hand from his, feeling a little bit awkward about everything.

Draco was looking around your small flat quite curiously as you lead him to the couch. His eyes raked over every piece of furniture and every photo in a frame. You gestured for him to sit but he seemed to be caught up in looking at one photo in particular. Coming to stand by his side you knew exactly which one he was looking at.

It was a picture of you and your old housemate, Maria. You two were quite close back at Hogwarts. She was your dearest friend aside from Draco. In this particular photo, you could see the two of you at a Quidditch match. Covered in face paint and cheering happily as jumped up and down in the stands. It was one of your favorite photos. The two of you were so carefree back then…

She hadn’t survived the battle, unfortunately.

Smiling sadly as you both looked at the picture replay itself over and over you heard him let out a little sob beside you. Turning to him with a look of worry you saw that his face was twisted with anguish as tears threatened to fall from his eyes.

“It’s all my fault you know. I’m the reason they’re all dead. I don’t even deserve to be here right now. It should have been me who died that day. Not… not all of them” he said as the tears finally began to fall.

Without second-guessing, you pulled Draco into a tight embrace. Your hands lightly stroked his back in a soothing manner as you shushed him carefully.

You had always wondered what he’d been up to since the battle. How he was handling it and how it might have changed him. You figured it couldn’t be easy but you didn’t know that he blamed himself to this extent. To think that he was hurting this much all these years… it broke your heart.

“It’s not your fault. You know that right? What happened wasn’t your fault.” You told him while squeezing him tighter.

“You don’t understand, Y/N… you don’t know what I did. It’s my fault and everyone knows it. People still want me dead for what happened and honestly they aren’t wrong for wishing it” he whispered to you.

You pulled away from him slightly, still keeping your hands placed securely onto his back.

“If I don’t understand then tell me. Tell me everything that happened. Everything you had to do and everything you’ve had to live with since. I wat to know…” you begged him with a hint of desperation in your voice.

“Okay” was his simple reply as he let you lead him to sit on the couch where he began to tell you everything that had happened. Starting with the time that he began to distance himself from you all those years ago.

His story was sad and full of regret. As you listened to him explain everything he was forced to do you understood why he was so scared back then. The papers merely scraped the surface of the reality he was forced to live in at that time. You wished you could’ve helped him somehow. You knew that you couldn’t have really done anything but just the thought that while you were sad about being ignored he was dealing with the thought of being killed. You didn’t blame him anymore for pushing you away. If the roles were reversed you were sure you would have done the same. Because in your eyes he was everything and the thought of losing him meant you had nothing left to live for.

That’s how the last three years had really felt anyways. Like you’d lost everything you had to live for. Left in that classroom all that time ago.

As he finished his story set a reassuring hand on his shoulder. Wishing that there was a way to express everything you felt right now into words.

“I know you feel like the whole world is against you now. I know that there are still those out there who seek to see you perish. But for whatever it’s worth… I don’t blame you. I never really did actually. I knew you weren’t capable of being the monster that the media made you out to be. That wasn’t the Draco I knew. Even if everyone else turns their back on you just know that I never have and I never will. I’ve waited all this time hoping that I’d see you again one day. I didn’t know how to find you or if you even wanted me to… but I never stopped thinking about you. I never stopped loving you” you confessed to him with bated breath.

“I never stopped loving you either, Y/N” he admitted to you quickly. “I thought about you every day since that time in the classroom. I wanted to find you after I’d been pardoned but I was afraid you thought I was a monster. I was afraid that you hated me too” he whispered meekly.

He looked down at his hands as you watched him with pitiful eyes. Right here in this moment, confessing to each other all over again. It was like you were back in that classroom. Back at Hogwarts. Back to the times when you would spend countless hours with each other, elation always bursting through your chest.

Moving a gentle hand to cup his face you lifted it to meet yours.

“Whatever the reasons where that kept us apart for so long… the only thing that matters to me is being here with you right now. We may have wasted a few years out of fear. But let’s not waste another second” you finished as you brought your lips to his in a soft kiss.

His hands shyly made their way around your waist as the kiss grew more passionate. Your breathing grew heavy and labored as you kissed him with all the emotions you’d felt while he was gone.

Clinging to him desperately, you were afraid that he might disappear.

But he didn’t.

-

The happiest moment in your life had been when you’d both said: “I do”.

“Oh stop fussing with it!” your best friend cried at you as you continued to move pieces of hair around your face.

“But it’s just not quite perfect yet” you argued while frowning in the mirror.

“Please, you look absolutely fine. I don’t think Draco or anyone else in there will care about a few misplaced hairs” she huffed.

Realistically you knew she was right. You knew you were just being nitpicky. But there was no better day to agonize over every minute detail than this one.

It was your wedding day after all.

“Fine, you’re right! I’ll just walk in there looking like a disaster I suppose” you replied childishly.

She only gave you a knowing look before walking to the other side of the room to grab something.

You knew it was just the nerves getting to you. They had you lashing out and second-guessing every aspect of your appearance. You fully intended to apologize to her later for your ill behavior. But at this moment you were too busy spiraling into self-induced panic.

Your friend returned to your side with a sigh as she held your veil in her hands. You looked at it nervously as you imagined what was soon to come.

“Y/N, I know you’re nervous now. But trust me… pretty soon you won’t be able to stop grinning” she told you reassuringly.

You gave her a forced smile as she placed the veil over your head. Looking at your reflection was such an odd experience. The person looking back at you was definitely you. But at the same time, you’d never looked more different. You couldn’t tell if this was good or bad though.

“Ready?” she asked from behind you. Her face smiling at you warmly from the mirror.

“As I’ll ever be” you shakily laughed.

When you came to stand in front of the large brown doors you realized that this was the moment that would change everything. This was the start of a new chapter in your life. The beginning to your forever.

As the doors swung open and you made your way slowly down the aisle you could hear the distinct sounds of gasps and whispers coming from all around you. Your heart was beating fiercely against your chest as the nerves devoured you. Maybe if you just focused on one thing instead of everything around you it would be less nerve-wracking.

So that’s just what you did. Scanning your eyes anxiously ahead they landed on Draco. He was standing there, waiting for you at the end of the aisle with the most dazzling grin on his face. He was looking at you with eyes of pure adoration and at that moment you could’ve sworn you felt yourself blushing a little. It was like everyone else disappeared around you. It was just you and him, together, forever.

When you came to stand next to him at the alter you couldn’t stop the smile from growing on your face. This really was the happiest moment of your life.

As Draco reached forward to lift your veil you were met with the clear sight if his beautiful face looking at you with all the love in the world. Your heart swelled with the thought that this was actually happening. You were marrying the man of your dreams. The one you’d loved for so many years and many more to come.

You felt yourself becoming a little antsy as it came time to exchange your vows. You had made the decision before that you’d recite yours first and although you were terrified you had never been so sure about anything before.

“Draco, there were so many times in my life when I thought I knew what I wanted. I thought I knew who I was and what was important to me. I thought that I was ok with being alone and I figured I’d never know anything about that true love nonsense” you said with a little laugh. Draco laughed too at this as well as a few people from the seats. “But after I met you I realized that I didn’t really know anything. I didn’t know who I was, what I wanted, or what true happiness felt like. I never imagined in all my life that I’d grow to love someone as much as I love you. We’ve had a lot of ups and downs in our relationship. We didn’t see each other for years after our first confession. But when we found each other again in that dusty muggle bookstore two years ago… I knew that it was fate. I know that may sound ridiculous to some. I myself never really believed in such a thing as fate before. But when I think back to what we went through and how we found each other again… I just know that it was meant to be. I was meant to find you in this life and the next. I first realized I loved you all those years ago when we would sneak up to the astronomy tower in the dead of night. Ever since then I’ve only grown to love you more. Everything I am is thanks to you, Draco. You’re my one and only. My forever and always… and I’ll continue to love you every year from now, until the moment I die… and even after that.” you finished as a tear made its way slowly down your face.

Draco’s eyes were watery as he beamed at you. The whole building was silent as your heavy words hung in the air.

Draco cleared his throat a little before taking your hands into his and looking deep into your eyes.

“Y/N, just like you, I thought I knew who I was. I was certain of my role in life and what that meant for me. I thought I knew what love felt like and how you showed it. But after meeting you it was like my world turned upside down. I instantly knew that everything I had thought was true couldn’t be more wrong. You taught me that I was more than what I was told to be. You showed me what it was like to live freely and express myself truthfully. You were the first person I ever trusted and the first person I ever truly loved. Because of you, I have a reason to wake up every morning. You were always there to save me from my darkest times without even realizing it. You have no idea just how much you mean to me. How much I adore you. You are the light of my life and the greatest thing to ever happen to me. I wish we hadn’t wasted so many years being apart. But as a wise person once told me, the only thing that matters to me is being here with you right now… and I never intend to leave your side. I promise to love you now and forever. My reason for existing and moving forward, experiencing life and all its beauty. It’s all thanks to you, my dearest love. From now, until the moment I die… and even after that” he ended with a soft smile.

You both cried softly then and there, with huge grins on your faces, in front of all your guests as you held each other’s hands. The moment was more than you could have ever hoped for. More than you ever deserved.

Any other words that were spoken were completely lost in the moment as the only thing you remember happening next was saying “I do”.

-

The air was unusually cold as you made your way home from work. You felt yourself shiver slightly at the icy breeze as you rounded the corner to your street. Something was amiss though. You couldn’t tell what or why but you had this terrible feeling of dread sitting in your gut as you walked down the road.

You didn’t know if it was your imagination but even the neighborhood itself seemed a little darker tonight. The feeling that something was wrong only grew more intense as you drew closer to your house.

As you stood in front of your door you felt the unmistakable sensation of fear wash over you as you froze. Something was very wrong and you could feel it.

Suddenly you were too scared to even open the door. The absolute silence coming from the house made you sick to your stomach. You knew that Draco was supposed to be him and yet it felt as though there was no life coming from the house at all.

When you reached to unlock the door, however, a sick wave of terror spread over you as you realized it was already unlocked.

Both you and Draco always made sure the house was properly locked even when someone was home. The constant threat to Draco’s life from radical groups always made you nervous despite his reassurance that they’d never have the nerve to harm in.

Raising your wand up as you slowly entered your home you were mentally preparing yourself to fight an intruder of some kind.

But when you walked in you didn’t find an intruder. Instead you were met with the darkness of the night spreading throughout the whole house as a single light illuminated from the kitchen.

You slowly made your way towards it unsure of what might be there. You noticed as you passed that there was a dinner freshly set on the dining room table. Draco must have been meaning to surprise you with it.

But where was he?

Before you even had time to think of the possibilities you were met with the answer.

Your wand fell from your hand as you stared down at the floor in front of you.

There was Draco.

But he wasn’t moving.

He wasn’t breathing either.

His body laid there cold and lifeless on the ground and as you stared at him it was like your mind refused to accept the reality of what it was seeing.

This couldn’t be real. It couldn’t be happening. This all had to be some kind of joke. Yes, that was it. Just a cruel joke played at your expense. Pretty soon someone would come out to yell “got you” as Draco would rise from the floor having a good laugh as well.

But he didn’t… and he wouldn’t

“No…no, no, no. OH GOD PLEASE NO!” you screamed as your mind finally came to terms with what you were seeing.

Draco was dead. He was there on your kitchen floor, pale and unmoving as his wide empty eyes looked up at the ceiling.

You fell to your knees and began to wail as your body shook violently. Slowly you crawled over to his side and shakily placed a hand on his chest as your tears began to fall on his still body.

“Please n-no. T-this can’t be happening. Please c-come b-back t-to me. P-please t-take m-me instead” you pleaded to no one.

Looking frantically around him as your breathing began to grow frantic and uneven you were seeing the signs of a struggle. There were smashed dishes and bits of food scattered across the floor around him as his hand lay on the floor beside his hand.

You took in heavy fast breathes as your mind tried to comprehend the scene before you.

Brining your gaze to his face you felt yourself begin to dry heave as you looked at it. He was dead and you were too late to save him. He was dead and you’d never see him again. He was dead… and you hadn’t been there to save him. You hadn’t been there for him…

Bringing your trembling hand to his face you closed his eyelids as more violent sobs and heaves left your body.

“I’m s-sorry. This i-is all m-my f-fault. I should’ve been here. I s-should’ve been here…”

You stayed there sobbing over him, choking on every breathe as your blood ran cold. Everything around you seemed to be spinning as you desperately tried to steady yourself even a little.

But it was hopeless. He was gone and you’d never see him again. Never hear his laugh, see his smile, or feel his gentle reassuring touch ever again… and as you slowly began to lose all sense of reality above his stiff cold body you recited in your head the only words you seemed to remember anymore.

“From now, until the moment I die… and even after that.”

**Author's Note:**

> I already know that you guys probably hate me right now. Trust me, I spent days working on this and like halfway through I really wanted to just give them a happy ending. But, in the end, I didn’t want to stary from my original idea. this story was a lot of fun to write and by the end of it, I was actually making myself sad… sorry if it’s kind of a jumbled mess. Let me know what you all think! thanks for the continued support and feedback! :)


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